It started yesterday*. Again. The overwhelming feeling seeping back into my life. Grief, loss, darkness, hopelessness and (worst of all) the fact that I have made no plans to progress. Still. After all this time.
I started picking at the little surface issues that “bother” me. why don’t you want to live with me? why don’t you want to marry me? why can’t we have a baby? I sob into my partner’s shoulder. Every new picture that comes up on facebook breaks my little self-pitying heart. I have so many friends who are getting married and having babies and while I am overjoyed (let me reiterate this, OVERJOYED and so unbelievably happy for their blessings), it’s so hard for me not to ask sometimes why not me? what did i do that is so fucking different that i don’t get these wonderful things?
I know why Drew and I don’t live together. And I know that now is not the right time for us to get married. I know that now is not the time for us to bring life into this world. I know that there are many wonderful things awaiting me because I am not living with my lover, because I am not married and because I am not raising children.
But now, now, I can grow on my own. I can pack up and leave. I can be a wee bit irresponsible if I’d like. I am twenty-two. I can be as free as I’d like. i might even be able to fly. The only thing stopping me is me.
That’s the real issue. I’m my own barricade. In this darkness, I’ve lost my ability to progress and make plans. I can only survive. I need someone to hold my hand, walk me through it, sit by my side as I fill out job or school applications. I don’t know how to do that anymore. There are no plans. No light, no hope. Just wishes and dreams.
That’s the worst. So many options lie before me and all I can do is lay in bed, crying about not being married, being stuck in Phoenix and working myself to exhaustion at a job in which I want no part of. But I don’t know how to ask for help. I was never taught that. i am strong. i am a woman. i am unshakable. i am intelligent. i am independent. i will keep on smiling. i will keep on giving. i will keep working hard.
And so, I am back to taking baby steps. Little things every day that I can accomplish. My goal today was to make myself a “to-do” list and knock it out. Throughout the day, as I crossed each item off my list, I felt lighter.
Tomorrow’s goal is to be more complimentary. My hopes are high and my heart is light. I am lucky to have a job. I work with some incredible people and have endless opportunities every day to positively impact someone’s day, even if in very small ways.
And I’ll keep taking steps, even the very small ones. I’ll get there, I know it. Wherever there is. That’s where I’ll be. With my lover, wearing rings that symbolize our love and commitment, maybe with a baby in our arms, someplace other than Phoenix and doing something we love. Even if that something is reading Harry Potter poolside.
*i started writing this post about a month ago. “yesterday” refers to am arbitrary date in June.*