now and again, it seems worse than it is.

by b

it’s been an insane, whirlwind of a month.

toward the end of october, i got word that my transfer to austin was finalized and i would start on the 7th of november. drew and i had about two weeks to get all of our stuff together, find a place, figure out how to move our stuff there (did you know it costs $700 to rent a uhaul truck from phx to atx, not including gas on the 7mpg beast? outrageous!). so we sold a bunch of stuff, donated even more and trashed some. packed up the car and headed out. spent the first few nights in hotels. had some sketchy craigslist experiences. and hit then, we hit the jackpot (in terms of living situations).

all that to say, i will be blogging more now that we are settled. trying to find my balance has been hard. my body is screaming for home cooked meals. my energy is depleted. things are out of boxes but it’s still not home. work is incredibly challenging. and it’s the holiday season.

austin is beautiful. everywhere i look there are trees. plenty of things to do. amazing people. genuine. sincerity. love. intellect. places that stay open past ten o’clock. drew got a job at a bmw/triumph dealership and starts on 1st of january. we have an incredibly lovable roommate. she has two incredibly lovable dogs that we walk with and cuddle with and love. the river. the water. it’s cloudy and sunny and rainy and warm and windy. the humidity. the green. the life. the people we have met are understanding of individualism and humanity. we are settling in.

but something is still off. i feel it. was i a fool to think i could bring everything i left behind to this new place? i don’t want to lose it. i’ve never really started a new life somewhere before. there’s so much freedom and latitude and possibility. and there’s so much uncomfortable uncertainty. balance. love. growth.

one of my very dear friends sent me this today:
there is a river flowing now, very fast. it is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. they will try to hold onto the shore. they will feel they are being torn apart and suffer greatly. know that the river has a destination. the elders say that we must push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes above the water. see who is in there with you and celebrate. at this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves; for the moment we do that, our spiritual growth comes to a halt. the time of the lone wolf is over. gather yourselves. banish the word struggle from your vocabulary. all that we do must be done in a sacred way and in celebration. we are the ones we’ve been waiting for.  —hopi elder

i haven’t been writing. i haven’t been creating. i haven’t been cooking. i’ve barely been practicing yoga. i’m in a city of life and creativity, and i am losing the fight to stay above water. let me say this, today was a really tough day. bright eyes is playing, tears are streaming, i want to talk to my best friend, i want to get my hands dirty in some paint, to dance, to drink margaritas, to love deeply, to scream, take a xanax with a glass of wine and sleep today away.

tomorrow will be better. tomorrow i will celebrate with those around me. tomorrow i will push off into the river again, let go of this shore. i will allow my spiritual self to grow. i am the one i’ve been waiting for.